you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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