Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
