you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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