I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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