Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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