How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
