There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
