I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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