too bad you live with your parents still
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
