I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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