yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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