He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
