This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
