you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
