what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
