Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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