and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
