Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it