You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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