I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
