Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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