dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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