Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
