My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
