@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
