if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
