i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
