The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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