did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
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as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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