Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
