if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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