My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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