nut hugger
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
