the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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