i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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