What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
