Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
