i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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