I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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