best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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