She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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