I heard we made out
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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