some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
