You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
