That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
