Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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