There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
