Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
