just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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