Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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