John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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