Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
