the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
