I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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