Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
